Harry Potter and the Quest for Froot Loops
by Memories Left Abandoned
Summary: Ron gets a hankering for that "magical" frooty cereal, Froot Loops. And, like everything else Harry does, the task becomes an adventure! Parody.
1. An Adventure

Voldemort was dead…Harry was being crowned King of Narnia…but there were some other kids there…Peter, some blond guy… '_This is our rightful kingdom…_' 'But I earned it! I defeated Voldemort…' '_You shall pay for your attempted treason…Death to Harry Potter…' _The voices were everywhere… _'Death to Harry Potter! Death to Harry Potter!'_ The lion was so close…

"Harrrrrrrrrrrrrry."

Harry Potter opened his eyes from his terrifying dream to see his good friend Ron Weasley leering over him like a stalker.

"Ron, what the bloody hell are you doing?" He pushed the redhead out of the way and sat up, rubbing his eyes and shaking the dream away. "What time is it, anyway?"

"It's just past five thirty," answered Ron, "but I just couldn't wait anymore."

Harry squinted. "You haven't swallowed another love potion, have you? Oh, Merlin's G-string, not again. Didn't you learn not to eat my candies after the first time? I might kill that Romilda Vane…"

"No no, Harry, it's not a love potion." He pointed at his stomach. "I'm hungry."

Harry frowned. "You woke me up at five thirty in the morning by leering over me like a stalker to tell me you're hungry?"

"I was leering like a creeper, not a stalker."

"What's the difference?"

"A creeper creeps with love. A stalker's just…creepy."

"You realize that made absolutely no sense."

"Sure it did. You just didn't get it."

"Oh, what the hell difference does it make?" Harry stood angrily. "Breakfast isn't for another few hours. Do you want to go down to the kitchens?"

"Nope."

"Then what do you want?"

Ron sighed dreamily. "You know that cereal you introduced me to over the summer? Loopy toots or something?"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Froot Loops?"

"Yeah!" Ron jumped up and down excitedly, and also a bit like a girl, but that's simply the opinion of the author. "I want some Froot Loops!"

_If you thought they were called Loopy Toots, why would you want to eat them? _questioned Harry in his mind. "They don't have those here, Ron," sighed Harry out loud. "It's a not a magical cereal. Muggles eat it."

"No, they're not." Ron's eyes widened so that they were the size of moons, or at least the frooty—er, fruity—cereal he was hankering after. "They're magical, Harry."

"Alright, fine." Harry shook his head and raised his wand hand. "I'll just Summon them. Accio—!"

"STOP RIGHT THERE, HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Hermione burst into the dormitory. "You can't Summon Muggle items from the local village! You'll break the Statue of Secrecy! And besides, you didn't have your wand in your hand."

"Oh, damn it." He dropped his wand hand and grabbed his wand from his bedside table and stared at it angrily. "I can't just say a spell and they'll appear in a bowl, can I?"

"Nope," said Hermione smartly. "One of Gamp's Laws is that—"

"It's too early to have a halfway intelligent conversation right now," interrupted Harry. Then he sighed again and looked up at Hermione. "Are you telling me we're going to have to go on an adventure for Froot Loops?"

"Haven't you learned that every endeavor you attempt becomes an adventure?" pointed out Hermione with half a smile. "That's sort of the point of you being the star of your own series."

"You have a good point," agreed Harry. Ron was still bouncing up and down at the prospect of Froot Loops on his horizon. "You know, it was quite convenient that when you yelled, you didn't wake any of our dorm mates up."

"It was necessary to the plot, Harry," she said very seriously. "If they were to wake up, Dean especially, they might offer an easier solution to our predicament. Dean might even have some Froot Loops. I've heard he rather enjoys Froot Loops. Of course, what human being who's tried them wouldn't?"

"My sister," said Ron, suddenly in tune with the conversation. "She tried them when I did and she said she hated them. But I rather think she's less human and more devil. It's all that red hair." He returned to his bouncing, and, after Harry and Hermione both gaped at him for a moment, amazed he could be that dumb, they decided to ignore him. He was, after all, hungry, and no one could trust Ron when he was hungry.

"Again, an excellent point, Hermione," said Harry with a smile. "That's why I keep you around."

"I know," said Hermione, an equally large smile appearing on her face and her hands automatically going to her hips. "You boys haven't seen the light of day and realized I'm gorgeous yet."

"Certainly not," he said amicably, but suddenly a nervous feeling nagged him. _She _is _gorgeous, _he thought. The frizz of her hair, the sparkle of her eyes (eerily similar to Dumbledore's eyes), the curve of her hips, her lovely lady lumps…

"Harry?" she said, snapping him out of his reverie. "When you're done staring in appreciation, I think we should probably leave before someone wakes up and offers a more sensible solution to our problem."

"Right," agreed Harry, his mind elsewhere—like in Hermione's robes. He shook his head, attempting to clear his thoughts. "We need the Invisibility Cloak, though, and the Marauders Map for good measure." He Summoned both from his trunk—eager to exhibit his as-of-yet unseen magical prowess and make his mind stop thinking dirty thoughts about Hermione—and turned toward the door.

"We'd better control Ron," sighed Hermione as Ron literally bounced off a wall and promptly hit the floor. He looked up at them with tears in his eyes and ever-reddening cheeks. "It looks like he has a tantrum coming on."

"Right." Harry marched over to Ron, grabbed one of his elbows and Hermione grabbed the other. They stood, making an awkward processional but making Ron giggle and snap out of his bad mood. "Let's go."

They headed out the door, Ron humming something that resembled that song from the Wizard of Oz and Harry and Hermione dragging him through the halls of Hogwarts.


	2. Snape, Snape, Dumbledore

Harry looked down at the Maruader's Map. "I think the coast is clear."

"It won't be for long if Ron doesn't shut up," said Hermione in aggravation. "That song is obnoxious, and you have to be quiet or the teachers will hear!"

Ron, who was still singing the Wizard of Oz song, frowned deeply at Hermione and stopped abruptly. "Well well, Miss Priss. I'm sorry we don't all know the definition of fun."

"Do you call going on an adventure where we could all die fun?!" she asked, her hair nearly standing on end.

"Yes," answered Ron and Harry at the same time, Harry much more seriously than his friend.

"Boys," uttered Hermione in exasperation.

They wandered around the halls, taking a much longer route than necessary to the doors "to keep anyone from being suspicious."

"Hermione, you have some great ideas, but it all this really necessary?" asked Harry, half-out of breath.

"Yes," she answered. "What would happen if a teacher happened upon us?"

"Like right now, for instance?"

Harry's eyes widened and met Hermione's at the recognition of their least favorite teacher's voice.

"Snape," they both breathed.

"Indeed," said Snape. "I would, indeed, like to know what would happen if a teacher happened upon you. How would you explain yourselves out of that?"

"We would…we would tell them the truth," answered Harry.

"Harry—no!" gasped Hermione.

"We were just going for a stroll," lied Harry smoothly, regretting his inability to use his manly charm on Snape. "Ron here was restless, so we just headed out to calm him down a bit."

Helpfully (for once), Ron grinned largely at Snape, who squinted.

"And you all three abide by this story?" he asked, his large nose coming eerily close to Hermione's face.

"Oh—yes, Professor," stuttered Hermione. Ron glared at her, angry at her inability to lie to a teacher.

"Well, well, well well well," breathed Snape, and Harry suddenly noticed the scent of onions on his breath. "It just so happens I have a bottle of Veritaserum with me, and Professor Dumbledore's explicit permission to use it on you three. Thus, follow me!" In a dramatic twirl in which his cape billowed around him, he headed off to Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Do you think we could just run away?" asked Ron, too loudly.

"NO!" said Snape. He turned (his cape billowed again) and grabbed hold of Hermione's elbow, and the three were forced to follow him.

"Does he smell like onions to anyone else?" asked Harry quietly, and Ron shrugged.

"I was distracted by his greasy nose in my face," muttered Hermione crossly, and Harry's eyes widened.

"Did you just insult a teacher?" he asked.

"She better not have!" Snape half-yelled, and Harry frowned.

"I didn't, Professor," Hermione covered quickly. "I was talking about…Ron."

"Hey!" protested Ron. "My nose isn't greasy!"

Hermione was spared from having to retort by their arrival at Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Froot Loop," said Snape, and the gargoyle sprang to life. "Where he got his taste for sweets, only Merlin knows…"

"Did you hear that?" asked Ron. "Professor Dumbledore likes Froot Loops too!"

"This could definitely work to our advantage," whispered Hermione to Harry, who nodded vigorously.

They reached the top of the stairs, and Snape rather violently threw Hermione in a chair, shoving all three of them down in the process. He stalked off up the stairs to where Professor Dumbledore probably slept, although the thought hadn't occurred to Harry before.

"What are we going to do?" asked Ron, suddenly fearful.

"Tell them the truth, I suppose," sighed Hermione. "We don't have a choice but to drink the Veritaserum."

"We could avoid it if it was only Snape," said Harry. "But with Dumbledore around…"

"_Professor_ Dumbledore, Harry," corrected Hermione. "You really are quite bad about that."

"Whatever," he said irritably. "The point is, he would know if we didn't drink it."

At that moment (because these things work out much better in fiction than in real life) the Professors Snape and Dumbledore appeared at the top of the stairs, the latter dressed in a star-covered robe.

"I don't see why you had to wake me at five thirty in the morning for the misdemeanors of a few students, Severus," grumped the old man. "Oh, it's Harry Potter!" he said, suddenly noticing the trio. "Hello, Harry Potter!"

"You don't have to call me by my full name, Professor," said Harry, blushing a bit.

"Oh alright, Harry…Potter." The old man grinned. "And what brings you three here this fine morning?"

"Professor Snape brought us here," said Hermione.

"I want to use Veritaserum, Albus," said Snape viciously. "I want to know exactly where they were going and why."

"Oh, alright," said Dumbledore. He procured three glasses of water, and they watched Snape drop the Veritaserum in fearfully.

"Drink up," said Snape, an evil grin appearing on his face.

They did, each emptying the glass of water within a moment.

"So…what is your full name?"

"Harry James Potter," answered Harry, just as Ron answered "Ronald Bilius Weasley" and Hermione answered "Hermione Jane Granger."

"Jane, really?" asked Dumbledore. "I always thought it was Jean."

"Everyone does, sir," said Hermione. "I don't bother correcting them."

"Shut up!" snapped Snape, doing so because he just realized snapped and Snape sounded fun together. "I only want Potter to answer. So, Potter, on whom do you currently have a crush?"

"Hermione Granger," answered Harry before he could stop himself. Both he and Hermione blushed furiously, and Ron suddenly got very red.

"Ugh," sniffed Snape. "On to the point. So, just where were you going this morning?"

"Honestly?" asked Harry with some trepidation.

"I don't think you have a choice," said Dumbledore good-naturedly.

"Over the summer, I introduced Ron to a Muggle cereal called Froot Loops," sighed Harry. "He appears to have become addicted to them, because he woke me up by leering over me like a stalker—"

"Creeper!" corrected Ron.

"Whatever!" snapped Harry, who then realized he didn't sound as cool as Snape did when he snapped, so he calmed down. "He just wants some Froot Loops, sir, and I didn't have it in me to say no."

"I love Froot Loops!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "Unfortunately, I've just run out. So, you may go and get some Froot Loops! If you could buy me some, while you're out, that would be just fantastic!" He stood regally. "You have my blessing to leave the castle! Enjoy your adventure!"

"WHAT?!" yelled Snape.

"We're going to go now…" said Harry quickly, and the trio disappeared out the door just as Snape began arguing with Dumbledore.

"That was close," said Hermione when they reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Too close," agreed Harry.

"You realize that could all have been avoided if we'd just put on the Invisibilty Cloak?" pointed out Hermione. "Although, I suppose, it's all in the name of adventure…"

"You're starting to catch on, Hermione," said Harry with a grin as they walked out the front doors of the castle.


	3. A Visit To Hagrid's Hut

"Well, we're finally out of the building," announced Harry as they stepped out the doors.

"Right. Now we just have to get off the grounds, and then down to Hogsmeade, and then…" Hermione sighed. "Adventure."

"Right!" exclaimed Harry. "Adventure!"

Hermione shook her head. "Boys."

For a few moments they proceeded in silence, except Ron, who had moved past the Wizard of Oz song and was now humming "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada. Except that he only knew the chorus, so he was basically just repeating that part a hundred times over.

"Oh, for the love of Merlin, shut up!" Hermione would exclaim. Ron would stop, only to continue a few moments later.

Harry sighed at the banter. "Wouldn't this be easier if you two would get along?" he questioned.

"I can't help it!" exclaimed Hermione. "He's driving me crazy!"

Harry raised his eyebrows and pointed his wand at Ron. "Silencio."

His mouth continued moving, but no sound came out, and his face got very red.

Hermione blushed. "I should have thought of that."

"It's nothing," said Harry with a shrug. "He was being particularly annoying."

Hermione bit her lip. "About what you said in Dumbledore's office…"

"Harry!" exclaimed a voice, and Harry turned to see Hagrid half-blocking their path. "Hermione, Ron! It's good ter see ya!"

"It's good to see you, too, Hagrid," said Hermione meekly as the half-giant enveloped her in a bone-crushing hug.

"What are you up to?" asked Harry.

"Well, I was just off ter the castle fer a word with Dumbledore about the school cabbages before breakfast. But now I think I'd rather have breakfast with you lot!"

"Well, Hagrid…" stammered Harry.

"Don' be putting up no excuses there, Harry," Hagrid interrupted. "Yeh haven't been ter see me in ages. I'm nearly a secondary character by now!"

Hermione didn't have the heart to tell him he had always been a secondary character, so the four of them headed back toward Hagrid's hut.

"Ron, yeh seem awfully quiet," said Hagrid.

"Oh. That's my fault," said Harry. "Eh…how do you put him right?"

"I'll do it," said Hermione, and she pointed her wand at Ron. Immediately he began to yell at Harry for putting him under the charm in the first place, but Harry didn't really listen.

Ron had shouted himself hoarse by the time they reached the hut, so Hagrid provided them all with tea, which was weak. Harry took just one sip before setting it aside.

"So what brings yeh all down the path?" asked Hagrid.

"I need Froot Loops," said Ron crossly, simplifying the story.

"Oh. Eh…what exactly are Froot Loops?"

"Froot Loops are a Muggle cereal," explained Hermione, going into dictionary mode. "They are multi-colored circles of grain that are supposed to taste like different fruits. Mostly, though, they taste like sugar, which is probably why Ron likes them so much."

"I like the nutritional value," huffed Ron, "but the sugar is good too."

"So, in other words, yeh're goin' on another adventure," simplified Hagrid.

"Exactly!" agreed Harry.

"I think you kids get in ter too many adventures these days," said Hagrid. "No one's content to jus' stay at Hogwarts an' learn what they need ter know fer the real world."

"Uh, Hagrid, this isn't really a real world," pointed out Hermione.

"Wha'?" said Hagrid in shock.

"Nevermind," said Harry quickly. "The point is, Ron wants Froot Loops, and we didn't want him to throw a tantrum like the last time he didn't get what he wanted."

"Tha's a good point," said Hagrid. "He does have a terrible temper when he wants to."

"That's not true!" protested Ron, but they ignored him.

"So wha's yer plan?" asked Hagrid.

"Well," said Hermione. "We're going to get out of the castle, and then go down to Hogsmeade, and then…"

"Adventure!" exclaimed Harry.

"Right," Hermione agreed weakly.

"Doesn't seem very planned out," said Hagrid.

"We never plan anything out too far ahead," said Harry, "in case of emergencies."

"Emergencies?" questioned the giant. "Tha' doesn't make any sense."

"We don't question his authority," said Hermione, and Ron nodded in agreement.

"Um…alrigh' then," said Hagrid. "Can I interest yeh in some rock cakes before yeh go?"

Ron began to shake his head vigorously before Hermione elbowed him. "We'd better not ruin our appetite," she explained.

"And yeh don' want any help from me?" he asked, a bit wistful.

"You have to go talk to Dumbledore about the school cabbages," said Harry, exhibiting his manly charm. "Remember?"

"Oh! Tha's right!" said Hagrid, swayed by Harry's persuasiveness. "Thanks fer remindin' me, Harry."

"You're welcome," said Harry, proud that he still had some powers left to him.

Harry, Ron and Hermione stood to leave, and Hagrid followed them out the door.

"Now you three be careful," he said. "Yeh'd better not be gettin' into any trouble now, yeh hear?"

"Of course not, Hagrid," said Harry. "We have Professor Dumbledore's permission!"

"Of course yeh do," said Hagrid amicably. "If there ever was a man as great as Albus Dumbledore…"

"We'd better get going," said Hermione quickly, before Hagrid got on to one of his Dumbledore rants. "We want to be back in time for classes."

"Righ'," said Hagrid. "Good luck! Be careful!"

"We will!" they promised, and they parted ways.

"Sometimes I get quite tired of him," sighed Hermione, and Harry glared at her.

"Never insult Rubeus Hagrid in front of me," he threatened, pointing his wand at her.

"I've allowed you to watch _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ one too many times," she said, a small smile appearing on her face. "I'm so ugly in that film, it's not even funny."

"And what the hell is the Sorcerer's Stone anyway?" asked Ron, calm for the moment (probably having temporarily forgotten the mission.) "Wasn't it the Philosophical Stone?"

Harry shook his head and rolled his eyes, and Hermione stuffed her fist into her mouth to keep from giggling.

"Next stop, Hogsmeade!" announced Harry. "And then…"

"Adventure!" completed Ron and Hermione at the same time, albeit in much different tones.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Harry, because when it comes to adventure he does a lot of exclaiming. "Adventure!"

A/N: I think Hagrid's accent was a bit off…I did it as well as I could, so oh, well =)


End file.
